Like Latina I had to stop prioritizing dating

In “Sex and the City” Charlotte suggests famous for the rest of the women in the group “, maybe we can be each other’s soulmates? And then we can let men be just these amazing guys to have fun with.” That line has always reasoned strongly with me-fäven when I first heard it in my early 20s, while I was in a long-term relationship. I think that’s probably why Samantha was my favorite character on the show. Not because she slept around, but because she never centered her life around romantic relationships. In Samanta’s world, Samantha came first. In the early 2000s, this was a radical feminist attitude to life, and today it is finally embraced by women.

In recent years there has been very buzzing about the idea of “decent men” or walking “Boy sober. “A number of celebrities – including Emily Ratajkowski, Julia Fox, Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore – have talked openly about her choice to go back from dating men. This trend has received even more attention with South Korea’s 4B movementA radical feminist initiative where women are not so far, marries, marry, have children or engage in sexual intimacy with men. The name 4B mainly translates to “four nose.”

While the trend with decent men in the United States has not reached the same levels as in South Korea, many American women include things like dating breaks or celibacy In response to misogyny and patriarchy. They do not necessarily swear by relationships with men completely, nor me. My choice not to center sex or romantic love is not just about men. It is more about my belief that life becomes much more enriching when we do not do all about dating, sex and find a romantic connection. It is the same way that the proverb, “When you are not looking for love it will find you.” I am a huge believer in it.

However, it was not the most culturally simple decision to make. I am the oldest daughter and children of two Dominican immigrants and come from a culture that is not only vigorously valuing of the family, often centers everything around FamilyBut also a lot of centers and celebrates men. From a very young age, little girls learn to care about their appearance, that the most important thing we can be is beautiful. As a child, I remember that my expanded family members constantly praised my big hazel eyes, my long, thick eyelashes and my long, dark hair.

But I always say that I would not be the person I am today if it was not to have parents who, even though they were really strict when we were children, were never traditional when I expect my siblings and me to get married and have children. I never felt that pressure from them. Getting an education, building a career and creating a relationship with God was often preached at home. Even now, when I’m 39, my dad still reminds me that my future partner is coming in God’s time – that I shouldn’t think too much. He often tells me that the fact that I am not married and does not have children has never made him less proud of me. If something, he says he is proud of how well I have built my life on my own and how I have kept me believe in myself by not settling.

Not everyone in my large family sees things my parents do. But I think that since many of my tias got married and had children at a very young age – mostly in the early 20th century – I have never experienced “And your boyfriend?” Pressure That many Latinas meet. I admit that this is not the experience of most Latinas, although I wish it was.

The only person who was keen to see me finally marrying, especially after breaking a commitment from an almost 10-year relationship in the 20th century, was my Abuela Celeste. But even she finally came up with the fact that I would not settle in a relationship just to check out marriage and motherhood from a milestone list.

When I grew up in a household where my parents really loved and respected each other, where we were financially stable, and where my mother had the luxury of choosing to be a home mom taught me that none of it would ever be enough for me. I see the marriage as a bonus, not a goal – something I can experience if I am lucky enough to meet the perfect match during this lifetime. When it comes to motherhood, it is something I just consider if I meet the right person, because I want to share that adventure with them. But if that person never comes along, or if they come when I can no longer have children, I will not feel that I have missed.

After passing away from a relationship that extended over almost all of twenties, from 19 to 28, I thought it was difficult to approach dating in the way the world now did, with dating apps and speed dating. Everything felt forced and desperate against me. But the pressure so far and the constant reminder that my biological clock ticked were always the reasons why I had lay out there. That is why I would sometimes go with dating apps like Bumble or Hinge. That is the only reason I would go on a second date or even a third with the “nice guy”, I did not feel motivated to see or text back. That is why I would pull things out for three months instead of ending things after three dates, even when I saw lots of red flags or knew I would never feel for the other person what they admitted they felt for me. It felt like something I was obliged to do as a woman in the 30s.

But here’s the thing: Dating can be exhausting. It takes time and energy. The apps are full of toxic love bombers disguised as “the potential.” I would entertain the idea of them because I would convince myself that because I did the “work” to put myself out there, I have to show these alternatives. In reality, all these men were to take time and energy and constantly projected their expectations of how they wanted to be loved to me. But a more natural or organic connection tends to show up when dating was the very last thing I thought about. I also noticed that dating regularly made me a serious cynical, while when it was not a focus I was much more inviting and open to it.

I have met most of my close guy friends during seasons when dating was completely off the table for me, when I was open to real friendship and connection. In my book everyone counts as profits. When I stopped letting the community put “Biological clock” print On me, I began to feel much more comfortable to include longer seasons of celibacy and not dating. And when I finally froze my eggsIt gave me peace of mind to know that if I were to meet someone special now or in my early 40s, I could at least consider motherhood.

For me, deprior is similar to dating how many women today are decent men. It simply means making room to focus on myself instead of always (consciously or consciously) trying to meet the right person.

People have asked me why I have not moved to Europe or started a nomadic life, given that I am not open to not finding my person and not having children. And for these people, I say, I don’t have to live an “Eat Pray Love” adventure to be comfortable with the fact that my life is still very centering around me. Part of the fun is only in the mental calm. I have no anxiety because if I will ever meet the love of my life. I also constantly work with myself, whether it is through therapy or coaching – mostly for me, but also to help me show up as the best version of myself for all conditions, whether it is family, friends or a potential partner.

I wish we lived in a world that was not defined by couples and families. It did not accuse women like me of being bitter, mocked or traumatized just because we would rather spend our time taking ourselves on a spa day or socializing with friends than sweeping through dating app profiles or placing us in environments where we are more likely to meet a potential friend. I wish we lived in a world where Celibacy was respected as much as connection culture, and where a woman’s choice about how to spend her time is no worry than her completely. And I wish every young Latina woman never feels that her value must be tied if she has a man.

Johanna Ferreira is the content director of PS Juntos. With more than ten years of experience, Johanna focuses on how intersectional identities are a central part of Latin culture. Previously, she spent close to three years as vice editor at Hiplatina, and she has freelanced for many stores including Refinery29, Oprah Magazine, Allure, Instyle and Well+Good. She has also moderated and spoken in many panels about Latin identity.